The Kolor Koul

I spent a lot of time growing up disassociated from what appeared to be the rawest nature of my being. It's not like I knew entirely who or what I was at any point of my life, non-ironically nor now do I 😂 but I sure as hell learned through my adolescence and early adulthood who I wasn't.

I've experienced many phases of myself, evidently some akin to lives, most prominently allowing me insight to the various paths my existence could take: innocence, curiosity, isolation, wrath, pride, ambition, philosophy.

Something interesting about all these phases was a particular strengthening of the awareness of the creative side of my being, given that predominately I always emphasized and felt societally compelled to explore the more "clear" analytical one. That side of myself that needed its "fortified resolve" to exist in the wake of society and still stand tall was also the side of me that overshadowed my freeform, unadulterated creativity. However, the older I got, the more I became in tune with this side of myself, especially its perceived darkness:

A concept that I've long considered is the peculiar hindrance that duality plays with itself. Like an eternal monopoly game: the same back and forth Doppler-type trippy nature. Though honestly I'd favor this ripe wager over something less iffy. This worth I'd like to savor (while I can).

At least, while I stand, my hands rest somewhere by my two sides. I constantly see in my eyes, my mortal pence, name one, a dozen, but it's difficult still with my innocence, reminiscence on lighter topics that had not such a heavy burden on this mind of mine. Scarier thoughts in my kind of time: minutes, hours, years, maybe to the outside world, I'm farther gone then I would appear internally

Now there are many types of dark emotions, so I should probably specify that nothing I refer to adjectively describes violence or anything alluding to the mistreatment of others. I very much rather align with the generational despair so to speak that ostensibly affects our youth. This is not to minimize my feelings, but rather to paint that side of me as more of a somber spirit rather than a vengeful victim. The darkness I felt more akin to heaviness, fatigue, haziness, and polarization.

It was the disregard of the latter, this unavoidable duality in me, that built up said darkness and created the space for those negative emotions to consume me. I began to believe that who I was at the crux of all things was someone born to give myself sacrifice to the world, to live in pain, so that others could obtain their pleasure, but I denied in those same moments, all that I ever hoped to birth and give. My Koul (a play on words from my name and the word Soul) is exactly the space left behind from the exorcise of society on my entire being. And what happened in that bleaching process was the chance for meet me for me. That is, to finally interact with the purest sense of myself, the one who remained untouched and innocent, hiding deep within my heart for years.

Estaba volviendónos al principio para descubrirte en nuevo.

Welcome back home.