The Sword and the Shield

I've spent the majority of my adult life now learning how to shield and protect others from pain, often times from their own minds. To predict the future arguably is what I did best or so I thought; to throw an escape rope (my hand) so that they could climb out of the cavernous psychological abyss into a more pleasant life experience:

For years I had a senseless relation with clarity: bittersweet romance; poisoned, toxic charity. Our vanity was in the vice of presence, as our lack of severance made it hard for life to progress. I held on to the fleeting nature of stillness, for excess time or influence (or at least my perception of it).

I told my ego what to do and say, for fear of rejection, destruction, consumption, I would stray, from my sense of breath, only death would come via this: of the Mind? Maybe, love that kind–I cannot say I do, I could pray my dense self survives to tell you someday.

Sometimes I'm shocked at how far I was willing to go and how casually I would have thrown away my life before if it safely secured the joy of those I cared about. I couldn't tell you from exactly where that sentiment arose, but it was challenging to bear. Imagine trying to hold not one person up, but multiple and simultaneously prevent them each from drowning in the sea of self doubt, degradation, and immolation that I spent much time in during my younger years. What I feared most for a number of years were the cries of dissatisfaction, despair, regret, and isolation that I could hear in the distance some years away in advance of those individuals. I see these things in people's eyes...

The thing is I obviously can’t predict the future, at least not all of them, so being even a shield means you’re fallible, not to mention not always necessary. I’ve realized that people, even those close to you need to feel the impact and severity of their decisions because that’s exactly the point–it’s their life. So at some point I slowly began to detach:

It’s hard to tell if you never noticed but I shifted my weight ever so slightly in your direction, affection unchanged. Lifted twice your freight in each lever, rut, so focused you are. It’s heavy isn’t it, my severance bit by bit? Maybe I wanted to see if you could hold it for a pinch, or how much it would force you downward: an inch, a mile? While you don’t fold I’ll smile, as I really do believe in you, In one way or another we’re in this together ya know

Most of me honestly wanted to see how you'd fare by yourself without the shield to accept some repercussions for your choices. If you didn't have someone to crutch your weight, to dive into the cavern with you and sit with your pain, countless times without fail. To just feel truly how heavy you are without the constant support...

And how about my pain, my fatigue?

Truth is, there was a part of me that needed to see if I faded deep into the cavern slowly but surely if you'd come searching for me. Not who you wanted me to be during my absence or who you thought I was relative to your own pain, but the real me. To this day I've honestly only met one or two people that have really sought me out

Maybe the original guilt associated with stepping away is something esoteric from another place or maybe it’s just lasting hubris from arrogantly/naively thinking that I could ever completely protect those I care about. However I don’t regret trying all these years.

I returned from the cavern several months ago with the help of one special person and I’ve been building a new life since then. I think things will be different this time, I forgive myself for my mistakes and lapses of judgment-all experiences that have sharpened my psychological blades. Life…better brace yourself, I’m hungry and you're looking especially succulent 🐺

oh and don't get this confused, this is not a villain arc....this is MY arc ;)